The one topic you should never use as a conversation-starter (and what to say instead)

Each week, Good Weekend’s how-to column shares expert advice on how to navigate some of modern life’s big – and small – challenges. This week: How to start a conversation with a stranger.

So you’re at a party or function and you know nobody. Or perhaps your partner’s stuck over at the canapés with Barry, deep in conversation about the AFL draft. There are huddles of people sharing bonhomie all around, yet they feel impenetrable and the gulf between you and them feels like an ocean, a vast expanse of loneliness. How do you strike up a chat?

Experts in human conversation, such as Scott Barnes, associate professor of linguistics at Sydney’s Macquarie University, say there’s a bunch of subliminal signals you must think about before you even open your mouth. Academics who specialise in conversation analysis have written whole papers about this – and I have suffered through them so you don’t have to.

The pre-conversation period is called the “opening phase”, when you signal your commitment to chat. It could be a smile. It should involve eye contact. And it’s often about how your body is placed, which is called “displaying a positive stance” or “body torque”. For example, says Barnes, if you’re leaning on a bar with only the top half of your body facing the stranger while your bottom half remains facing the bar, you’re only signalling low commitment. This position says that, at any moment, you may resume being alone with your overly priced, locally brewed craft beer.

Once you’ve got someone’s attention with subliminal cues, he continues, it will soon be obvious whether they want to reciprocate and become “co-present”. That’s when you go in for the greeting: a warm “Hello” or “Hi” followed by a “How are you?“.

The next step, says Barnes, should be a “safe starter” question or topic, such as the deliciousness of the canapés or the cheeriness of the house wine. (The weather should be a last resort, unless your companion is a savant meteorologist who likes to recite the past 10 years of average rainfall figures.) You could also try a few questions that position you in relation to each other, for example, “What brings you here today?” or “How do you know the host?”

If you’re up to it, you can also admit vulnerability: “Can I join you guys? My partner has abandoned me!” But pair this with a self-deprecating laugh, so you don’t come off as freshly divorced. If you’re looking for a sense of intimacy, try noticing something about the other person: “Great jacket.” This can come off as being too intimate too quickly, though, so use your judgment. If you avoid all these pitfalls and show reciprocal interest in the other person, you’re on your way. You might even become friends.

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